Procrastinating Happiness


I had always been wondering what I would do with my first full fledged salary, once I get into the field of professional writing. I had been putting thoughts into the whole struggle being finally wrapped up in numbers. Had I always been this money minded? Perhaps No. Then from where had this all ‘X’ INR per word thing come from? Well, like everybody had said, you need to have a job, dreams don’t get you shoes and dresses! Here I was, finally with my dream job at BlogAdda, in a team of some mesmerizing human beings who surprised me every single day with their opinions, jokes, sarcasms and healthy criticism. While I was struggling as a freelancer, waiting for some real digital marketing team to take me aboard, I knew that the path I had taken was not an easy one. I dreamt of the day I would find a place that pays me for writing, as I had to answer the questioning eyes within my so called circle. That although had never bothered me much, financial independence was my personal priority too. I used to talk to G, telling him I would get him this or that when I would get my first salary. I promised him to take him on a dinner date too. In my mind, I promised to buy him things he could not buy for himself, until later I realised there was nothing in that category. I promised myself a day of reckless shopping dedicated solely to me. I imagined myself sinking in the showrooms on a Sunday with beautiful clothes, shoes and bags that I could buy all for myself. That Sunday never came.

The day I my salary arrived came and went away into oblivion. It’s been half a month, and we have not gone to that dinner date. I have not bought him or even myself anything. I couldn’t even go and celebrate with any of my friends. Why? Today I ponder over this question…. All the things that we promise ourselves for our happiness, we are seldom able to make them happen. That age long trip, a trek you always wanted to do, some post that’s hovering in your mind forever. Sometimes, I even forget I need to eat a pizza because yes, that does make me happy. I remember G as being the guy wandering in the woods in the farthest of ranges taking a leave from work. It’s been too long for him too (Thank God he is a human too!) to do something like that now. The reasons are wrapped in silence. There is no reason- work and lifestyle that we all are trapped in take the front seat as always!

Does that happen with all of you guys too? I have been meaning to order To Kill a Mocking Bird since forever, and for no legitimate reason have I been able to check that off the list. A book that I am claiming to write since I was kid is still somewhere in the lost docs of my old laptop, that doesn’t even start anymore. How many times do we get too busy in our mundane schedule that eventually time just keeps passing, with the to-do list lying alone, untouched, ignored, unfulfilled and crying for us to heed to it. I always imagined once I would grow up, I would make a trip to Bali. Well, today all I want is to make a trip back home and crash on the bed, praying silently for a zombie apocalypse to happen in this city so that I never have to get on the roads. Life has seriously become that occupied for our generation. I don’t want to be mean, but yes, we have our own share of lifeless struggle. In the metros, we die every single day in traffic jams, jobs, paying rents and remain hand to mouth with our salaries. It’s a constant, unstoppable race against time. I personally have stopped wearing a watch, as it makes me feel nauseous to see time keep flying by. I am scared that in no time, I would be loosing my toothly grin and have grey hair!

In a recent article by Buzzfeed, I read about the concept of Urban Poor. Well, what choice do we all have? Not that I really consider myself worth that category, I would terribly fail at that, but yes, in the quest to get success that no one knows about, we are ageing by the rate of light years. Did our parents suffer this sort of struggle? Did all of them have to leave the cool shades of their houses, shed away their personal space and wander aimlessly in another culture, somebody else’s house feeding on dishes they never were made to eat earlier? Do we get to do things we thought we would be doing once we got a job? Is it only me who cannot actually enjoy her financial independence even when numbers do get credited in the account. Where is the time? I want to go to a trip to Lonavala this very monsoon and I cannot afford to take a leave! WOW!

There is a huge list of stuff that I wish I could do. Anybody would ask me, who stops you! Well, yes nobody, but there is a huge penalty that comes after those numbered days of bliss. Thinking about what would happen once I elope, fearing I would be allowed to enter my cubicle by my boss a week later or not, considering that my phone would not beep once asking about the latest article makes me go leave the whole idea. I procrastinate all the good things and moments of my life now. And I have to accept it took me weeks to write this as a post, since I had no time. But the fact that I cannot find excuses in my life for not writing makes me sit till odd hours, fingers already tired due to whole day’s of incessant typing. I love my work, I do but the blatant truth lies ahead of me and my generation- Where do we eventually go from here? Does a weekend’s beer filled party at Goa finally become life? Is that all about living happily? Working your ass off for five days and then boozing for two days, hooting and screaming, putting on posts to let everyone know that you’re having one hell of a time? No. There is a lot more that we all want to do. But excuses are all we have. Excuses are all I have. Life has become all about some tiring excuses and we can do nothing about it.

Meanwhile, I hope I can get out of this spell too, and wander around before saying a goodbye here. Do you have your wishlist, or am I the one to have finally spoiled your mood with the Kadwa Sachh!!???Answer is somewhere staring at your screens.

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