My battle with Solitude

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I have had swollen eyes, teary face and a headache that keeps coming and going back to sleep. Sleep was my friend but that also has been moody and temperamental. The devils kept visiting me. They could find me anywhere and at any place. I could never be smart with them.
I met people, trying not to be alone. They were there also, sneaking from the table below. I went to the movies, they found me there too. When I was with my parents, they managed to stay away but by midnight, when mom was asleep, and her arms around me loosened, I could feel it crawling inside my head, with a grip so strong, I could not breathe.
The worst part came when I finally decided to talk about it. To the most legitimate people of my life who were entitled to understand my very bloodstream. They were and are the ones who would take bullets for me. It was during the hard times that I understood that only two people were actually worthy of that category- Mom and Dad. At least, they tried and will always do.
It all dates back to I don’t know when. I remember the time when I fought back the unspoken ‘D’ word by quitting the job that was killing me. As much ecstasy that day gives me, I feel high thinking about that very moment I crossed those suffocating gates forever. To my friends over there, I was a happy, chirpy girl who just missed home badly. I made friends, a lot of friends and acquaintances. I was never alone, physically. Inside, I knew I am at a very wrong and eerie place, a place that haunted and ate me inside out. The work was suffocating. It didn’t help me because my project gave me a plethora of seconds to think. And my mind was not a healthy place for me.
I won the demons and quit my job. All I wanted to do was writing and be busy. Little did I know that the journey downhill would have just started? The day I left, my motive and thinking turned to the very fact that I had to answer to so many people for the lethal decision I had taken for my career. Me, who had never given a F**k to what people thought, never given the steering of my car’s steering wheel to people, a free soul, started thinking of what might happen if I failed in becoming a stable writer. ‘Successful’ was never a word for me. All I wanted was stability with the work I do.
Unlike many of my peers, the salary was not my filter to live. No. I am a big shopaholic and still I do not crave for money. I am pretty sure that I mean it since Most of my decisions have never been maneuvered by monetary means. For a year, my struggle has been every single second of meeting people. I told them the same old story- how I was getting the right work and sometimes even telling them what I earn. I know many of you out there just wanted that one single statement- That I was wrong that I quit.
People out there had questions; suddenly my existence was so important. There were unspoken queries of whether writers can actually earn, and if they can, can they earn at least as much as I left back?
For many I have been just a person who took her hobby way too far. And then relationships formed. One single relationship in my life branched to so many new. In search of pure companionship I suddenly found myself taking care of so much in a single day. A person like me who was not used to proving people the love she has every single minute. I was not just a daughter anymore, more than that to many new people. Being a wife to an extremely successful and happy guy, a perfect man who has everything balanced is very difficult sometimes.
My friends out casted me after my wedding. And this I say after a long period now. I do not care how anyone would respond to this. Years of friendships went into the drain just because my wedding was a private gathering and I couldn’t manage to get all of them right there. In any case, many of them would have simply gossiped over a beer after coming back.
That was a blow, a real change for me at such a subtle age. I have two very good friends in my life and I would not name them because they know. Many of you beautiful people are busy out there keeping your own demons behind, and I know you love me.
The past months were painful. I answered questions about how I was considered a career girl and I have not been serious enough because I settled in early. I just have one question for those- what is the difference between your beloved and my spouse??? The difference is just in the English dictionary pages you find both the words in. Eventually, both mean the same. For me, that was my call.
I have been given excuses, that since I am married, I am now busy in my own new life. I may have got someone very important in my life, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped being a normal person.
Why is our generation so choked of being married??? Yes, I have had very difficult times as I was alone in this. So alone that at times I questioned my own decision, and I regret it this very moment.
I might regret this whole post once I publish, but I am a writer and for me you all are my vent to many things. This is perhaps the most personal post I would ever share. It means so much to me.
I write this after googling people who battle the phase I was in. I write after Deepika’s interview on how she also found herself fighting her own Satan. There are times, I have to choose other now before my priorities. There are instances where I have to check my path before walking over, check if it doesn’t become parallel to my vows.
I went out for jobs- Jobs that have made me more confident and have instilled in me an endless faith in which I am- a writer.
Not only did I find out that the jobs are so well-paid, I had an answer to all those kids who worry their career might just be ruined in an engineering or medical college. Today, after battling for almost a year, I might say it is worth every single stab and injury in the process of being who you are. But let me clear the things you might lose.
Depression might become a pal for many days. It would just cling to your windpipe and there might be times you want to go back. People will not help. They can take your headache seriously; they might even help you when you are down with your period. But mind- they just don’t accept your mind being affected. Many would consider you worse than having chicken pox. They would stop calling you for hangouts. Many would pop their eyes out for the word psychiatrist. They would label you as mentally retarded. Still, keep going. I would say- stick to that. Keep walking.
People might just avoid you or leave you. Some are so busy fighting this whole career battle and blinded by conventionalism, they might not understand your battle. They might blame that it is all self-inflicted.
There are not many people who would actually call or remain in touch. I have learned friendships are all about physical appearances you make. Trust me, the day you would stop showing your face, you are redundant to many. Phones, the internet are of no use today when it comes to socializing.
Night and days would turn into one big whole black hole. For many days, you would not feel like waking up to the day. Still, wake up.
Struggle and have faith in God. He is always going to be with people who walk alone. The crowds are never his focus. They can take care of themselves.
And eventually, when you would have your dream job in hand, that moment is the best. You are so lucky to get to a certain level of satisfaction the inner peace. You finally realize the ultimate truth, as The Alchemist says. That day, you would finally know that money has nothing to do with your peace. That day you would know that the whole fight has been wrong.
Life is so much more than that- finding a stable job and proving your worth and talent to people. The devil will still be beside you.
As I wait for my offer letter, the devil sits with me and joins me for a glass of wine. I have no choice than to let it accompany me.
Maybe tomorrow, it would go.

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6 Comments

  1. This story has to be read by people who lost their job like me or who search for new jobs. God will always be there with the people who are alone. The blog motivates the people who are interested in creative writing to use the most appropriate vocabulary usage. The significance of the Father and Mother in the part of a Childs life is clearly illustrated. Tears came out of the eyes when I read “the devil will be beside you”.

  2. Beautiful as usual. True and deep to the core…Shaista Singh. Congratulations.
    Besties for all !!

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